Ok, follow the instructions below to find out the best way you personally can help a teenager in foster care.
1. Place your finger on any shaded box
2. Move your finger left or right to the nearest white box
3. Move your finger up or down to the nearest shaded box
4. Move your finger diagonally to the nearest white box
5. Move your finger left or right to the nearest gray box
So, if you are good at following instructions, you landed on “Adopt a Teen.” Congratulations!
Most people groan when finishing this activity because adopting a teen is so far from what they are interested in doing. I know in my previous post, The Adoption Option, I ranted about not wanting to adopt. In reality, I do not want to adopt an infant to replace having one biologically. I feel this way because I know how difficult it can be. I’ve seen how devastating it can be if it does not work out. It has the potential to be even more emotionally damaging than looking at single pink lines for years. To have an identified infant who is to be placed with me only for circumstances to change is too much for me to handle.
Teens, however, are a different story. Don’t get me wrong– I don’t think it’s easy to adopt a teen. They just have different challenges. Typically, it is not that the bio parents change their mind. The courts have made that decision for them. With teens, you know so much more about who this child is going to become. Teens come to you with baggage, but you often know more about their family medical history, their likes, dislikes, and the things they have in common with you. Adopting a teen comes from a completely different place in your heart. It certainly isn’t a fix for infertility.
I work with teens who are in need of permanent homes. In the years I have done this job, I can honestly say that there was only one youth I knew who I would not have considered adopting if I was not working with them professionally. This one youth clearly had signs of Antisocial Personality Disorder and was not someone I could successfully parent.
Ethically, I am not able to adopt the children I work with. This is considered a “dual relationship” by the National Association of Social Workers and something I cannot do. Even so, there were some kids I absolutely would have tried to adopt if I met them under different circumstances. These are amazing young people who have done nothing wrong. Some people think that kids are in foster care because of their behavior. This is NOT true. Children in foster care are there because their parents did something wrong.
So, what do you think about adopting a teen?
barren bitch 
I want to say I could, but I’m not sure. That sounds selfish, I know, and I wish I had a different answer. I guess my limited experience with teens means I feel completely unequipped to parent one who’s already been through so much.
It is definitely scary. Most people foster first. This provides the opportunity to really get to know the youth. Once you know him/her, it is often hard to say you won’t adopt!
I, too, work with older children/teens who need a family. It’s heartbreaking stuff sometimes. Personally, I’ve considered it, but I don’t feel prepared to do it until I’m a little older (and my husband is not interested at this point). It’s definitely different than adopting an infant, and I think it’s intimidating to a lot of people.
Yes, I think intimidating is the right word. I think the idea of it in abstract is really scary, but I think that changes once you know the youth.
I fostered a teenage unaccompanied asylum seeker for several months before I met my husband and we began ttc. I can honestly say it was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. No, it’s nothing like caring for an infant who you’ve raised yourself, but I think it’s just as fulfilling and eye opening and life changing. I still work with unaccompanied minor refugees, and would definitely consider going that route, whether or not we are able to concieve.
That is so awesome! Thanks for everything you do!
See, now and I have no objections or problems with the concept of adoption – in principle. Obviously, like you, I also can’t begin to fathom how that’s supposed to replace a biological child because, well, it can’t. But what I find SO MUCH WORSE is the ridiculous black-mail, holding-for-ransom types of fees you’re looking at if you’re even willing to consider domestic infant adoption – compared to which IVF suddenly looks cheap! Add to that the fact that DH and I have both been disgusted by several adoption agencies whose websites offer free iPads and/or iPhones to prospective birth mothers, and something I used to think I would not just consider but want to do even if we’d never had to deal with IF (obviously then in conjunction with bio babies) becomes really distasteful and morally reprehensible in my book. Now, adopting a teen? Yeah, I’m not sure I could do it. Even adopting a tween in this day and age is scary enough. But then I recently read an article about how even matching children through foster care can take up to 2 1/2 years to complete the whole process – at which point you just want to throw in the towel because, really? Am I the only one who’s thinking that no one is going to adopt a high school senior? 😦 😦
Adoption from foster care can take a long time, but usually, that 2 1/2 year wait applies to the child. It happens because of federal laws allowing the bio parents time to regain custody of their children. If a prospective parent is waiting that long, it is because they are not finding a child who meets their parameters.
You’d be shocked to see how many people are willing to adopt much older children. That is who I work with. I have had several children over 16 adopted!
One of my friends (who also deals with infertility) is going through the process of fostering to adopt right now with two little boys. I am astounded by the strength the shows in dealing with the boys but for some reason doing the same thing in my family terrifies me! I hope to one day find that strength to give a child a home who it desperately in need.
It’s very scary! I am sure your friend was also scared. If it is something you want to do, I am sure you can find the strength.
A couple months of avoidance and prayer may help do the trick 🙂 Thank you.